WE WERE ON A BREAK!

Now is the time for guts and guile, or else just an executive decision on running the marathon in three weeks.

I'm not ready, physically or mentally. I haven't been training for the past month--there were mitigating circumstances (new job, new schedule, new boyfriend, too much dining out and drinking wine), sure, but I'm disappointed in myself. But it reiterates how much I still live my life for others--I can get over not running RVM because I know I'll run a marathon at some point, but there's something that bothers me about having to tell other people I'm not doing it.

Or more specifically, telling people I know that I'm not doing it.

I was at the bank the other day and the teller asked me if I run at the Running Room. I didn't really recognize him, but I said I used to, but that I'd started running alone. He said he'd been training for the same marathon I am, but he'd been sidelined with an IT band injury.

I was surprised at how comfortable I felt telling him that I'd burned out on training. I mentioned that I'd probably would try training with a clinic again, although I explained I wasn't sure I could recreate the "magic" of my first clinic. He said he'd the exact same feeling and that it's true, the first clinic is something special.

It was nice to be able to talk to someone who was going through something sort of similar--even though his reasons are medical, mine are also legitimate. It reminded me that I'm a human, not a running machine, and this doesn't speak to my worth, dedication or discipline.

Still, this morning, I wasn't even an hour into my long run before I gave into my lethargy, boredom, and migraine headache. I felt like a failure, especially being on the Seawall, surrounded by super-fit runners.

I sat on a bench at English Bay and thought about why I'd lost motivation for running. When it comes down to it, it's because I'm tired of the same routines and routes. There isn't a whole lot I can do about that (the city is only so big and routines are developed for a reason), but I thought that maybe running and I need to see other people for awhile. I need to find something else to do that I'm excited about right now because it doesn't make sense to force myself to do something that doesn't excite me and then beat myself up for not being excited about it.

I know I'll go back to running at some point--because I've been in this place before and I always go back to it. I'm a runner for life, and not running this particular long run or even this particular marathon doesn't change that.

So, to be clear: RVM is still up in the air. It's probably best not to do it, but I may just go for the experience and to say I gave it a shot. There's going to be a next time, anyway.